The Midnight News 09.02.02
Posted By Hyatte on 09.02.02
Losing My Best Friend, The X Guys, April Hunter, Wrestling Chicks Who Like Chicks, Book Review, HBK, Bischoff's Plan, Trish, Gossip, Sting vs Satan, Funk vs Douglas,Web Guy vs Web Guy, Hollywood and Music Juice, Flea, and More Quotes Than You Can Handle
You ever wonder if people flame you just to get put in your column? I've been a reader off and of since Scoops and the thought just popped in my head. Um, you suck too. And you have sex with a goat's mom right after she gave birth to a dog. Keep it up.
Byron
So, I'm sitting there last week and I've got a little bit of the Summerslam Mop-Up done when... I just couldn't do it anymore. Just like that, BOOM... I knew it was over. The column sucked (worse than usual) and it wasn't getting any better and I always strive to put at LEAST SOMETHING fresh and funny in there... but it wasn't happening. It's over. I can't do them anymore. So I'll just do the news and the occasional And Another Thing and that's it (as far as most of you know). The Mop-Ups are really dead now. No more.
I just can't, for the life of me, imagine doing the same shit over and over again. Lot of recappers use the same "gimmicks" constantly.... and seem quite happy to be locked into it. Me, I just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe I'm just too creative for the gig. I've made every possible joke I can and poked fun at everyone from as many angles as I could. Gotta stop sometime.
I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News, by the way.
The good news is that if you were waiting for the live wrestler quotes that I've been promising for the last month. Relax. They are here. Right at the bottom. Just about all of them.
Okay, let's go. The bad news is... we have to start off with something really bad. Nothing to do with wrestling, but personal all the same. Please, read it... as a favor to me.
GOODBYE, MY LOVE
It's silly to lead the column off with this... but I'm sorry. She deserves the attention
I lost my best friend last week, Thursday really. She was my lover, my bud, my confidant, my closest advisor. I completely loved her. More than anyone else before, and more than anyone else who may come after. It kills me. It really does. No one will ever compare. Shit, no one could. She always knew exactly what I needed.
It was amazing. I pushed her buttons and she gave me everything. Totally opened up to me at all times. She knew how to make love like a lady and f*ck like a porn star. Depending on my mood. She never complained either. She gave up whatever I wanted WHENEVER I wanted. How perfect is that?
She made me laugh, she made me cry, she challenged me intellectually, and she supplied enough dumb, pointless comments to make me cringe. She loved wrestling too. She gave me everything she had and NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING!! Just so long as I turned her on from time to time. Which I did. We had a LOT of good times, if you know what I mean.
I loved this girl. For seven years, she was my savior, my angel, my fantasy. She was the absolute best. I'm serious. No one could compare. She loved me right back and made me feel so good. I... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost.
My black princess. Yeah, she was black. Who cares? It's all good, right?
Then on Thursday, she died. Just fizzled out. Of course, I was by her side. She gave me one last glimpse of joy before going out. I've just about given up that she could be revived. All seems lost. I'll have to move on.
IT'S NOT FAIR, GOD!!! YOU SONAFABITCH!!!! IT'S NOT F-ING FAIR!!! WHY TAKE THE ONLY GIRL I TRULY LOVED AWAY FROM ME??? WHY?? YOU F-ING PRICK!!
Now I have to PAY for those silly ass Pay Per Views? BULLSHIT. Goodbye NWA TNA. GOODBYE every WWE PPV other than the big ones.
On August 29th, 2002, after seven wonderful years, my black box finally crapped out on me. Just in time for me to miss the MTV VMA's. Dammit. I MISSED AXL, GODDAMMIT ALL TO F-ING CHRIST!!!!!!
Anyone know where I can get another cheater box? Maybe Digital? Cox Communication? Come on you guys. I know you can hook a brother up.
Christ... what am I going to do now?
Thank you. There ain't much RASSLIN' news to report this week, by the way... so be warned.
TEN BUCKS?? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND??
Yeah, this'll be my last look at NWA for a while. Then again... really.... it's not like I analyzed the damn thing.
I still love Goldylocks... she's got the SHIZZNIT!! (much love to my ni**as in cell block D!!) But I'm wondering... how old IS this girl?
She seems young... but she has these hard core laugh lines on her face. Deep impressions that only come when you poor gals slam face first into the WALL... (right around 33 for most of you).
But she seems so YOUNG... so what I'm thinking is A: She's actually 35, B: She's been f*cked up the ass a LOT (that'll do it, kids... ask any porn star), or C: She's a recovering heroin addict.... at least I HOPE she's recovering. Actually, I don't... heroin junkies are easy... some of the best blowjobs I've gotten came from junkie fiends looking for a little fix... remember that, fellas... if your horny, you can always find some action at your local Bus (or train) depot. Bathroom Stall Luv RULES!!
Still, Goldylocks pulled off one cool move last week... just after Brian Lawler--in the midst of one of the WORST promos I've EVER heard--told her to take her skanky ass out of his presence, she smiled, ran her finger down his chest all sexy like, then flicked the sweat/grease back at him with her finger and walked away. Man... what a sweet move. I loved it.
Moving on... I'm sorry. I know I'm like... SUPPOSED to shoot a load in my pants over these long X Matches.... but after 20 minutes of that 3-Way Ladder Match, I had to bail. I mean, I can respect the boys for all that work and all but... I'm one of those WHACKY fans who like a little story played out in the ring. I like a beginning--middle--and end. All these guys do is Bump, Take a Bump, Lie down for a minute, Then get up and do it again... for forty minutes. Jesus... give me a little drama. Give me a story to sink my teeth into. A LITTLE PERSONALITY...
Right now, the NWA X division is just the old WCW Luchador Division without the masks. Sometimes, Less is More.
Finally, April Hunter got a shot at big time TV and... she's one muscular gal. Nice, NICE ass too. She didn't rassle all that bad either, I only remember one awkward spot... and seeing how the spot was awkward because "Bruce" screwed up... Bruce sucks. He's the worst worker. The Maestro laughs at him. Hell, THE UNDERTAKER laughs at him.
April is one good looking woman, tho'... just as I was thinking about pulling down my pants and giving her a yank, he boyfriend ran out to save the day... her big, blonde haired, BLACK boyfriend. APRIL HUNTER LIKES THE CHOCOLATE!!! Probably has a nice, big package too... f*ck.
I've got more but... it's big enough to get it's own little section...
WRESTLING CHICKS WHO LIKE CHICKS
PLUS, SHE LIKES GIRLS!!!
Well, sort of. I picked this up from an old href="http://www.scoopthis.com/pages/article.cgi?file=interviews/ri_hunter_dusty.htm">ScoopThis interview back in 2000. Dusty the Fat Bitter cat (Gah, this f-ing Internet nonsense) asked April what kind of girls she would do, if she had to... here is what she said:
Hmm... hopefully someone really hot. Like, the long haired brunette from V.I.P., Sophie Marceau, Angela Bassett, Salma Hayek or Heather Graham. If it's not one of those five, forget it.
Clearly, she likes 'em EXOTIC.... which is even HOTTER. Maybe I'm a lamo... but there are images in my head right now... nice images... nice...
OW... friggin... zipper
Go ahead April... go for the decadence of forbidden love.... just understand... you'll never know what it's like to be with greatness.... Hyatte will be greatness! Hyatte has the skills! Hyatte would ROCK you world babydoll!!! Hyatte can challenge you intellectually AND... well, just intellectually... but my body is tone and I'll make you LAUGH! I hope you have a wonderful life... but keep Hyatte in mind, baby. Hyatte has the SKILLS!!! THE SKILLS!!!!
And I ain't THAT bad looking. I'm no Eminem but...
HE EATS EVERYTHING ANYWAY, WHY NOT HIS FOOT?
Trust me, you are going to LOVE this.
Guess who said THIS about Kurt Angle, right as he began his WWE career:
Remember Angle's stint as a TV sportscaster on Channel 53? Unfortunately, so do a lot of other people. To say he was awful is a grotesque understatement. He made Stuart Scott look like Bob Costas. I hope the WWF knows to keep the microphone away from Kurt
and also THIS:
... Angle's interviews have mercifully been kept short and sweet.
Who's the idiot? Who had the BRILLIANT wrestling "insider" knowledge to make a call about Angle's SUCKY promo work? How Angle should NEVER, EVER get on a mic because he just BLOWS? WHO?
Mark Madden- on 11/26/99
That's right... Madden... oh WHAT a keen eye for the future... he REALLY knows his stuff.
Dude, Why rip on Mark Madden. He has been out of the business for the better part of two years. He has the highest rated sports talk show in Pittsburgh, by far. His column is very popular, even though I disagree with him alot. It doesn't matter that his column is in a middle of the road newspaper, readership wise. This is his hometown, and he likes doing his job here. He doesn't do anything different than you do on your column, which is create controversy but what he says. That is how he gets listeners, and that is how you get readers. I usually enjoy your column, but you were way off base this time.
Tim Patterson
Well, now you know why... because deep down... he's CLUELESS.
Told you you'd like it.
Thanks to Bigmofreaky for the heads up
THE BACKBREAK KID
Got some REAL news here...
In case you were wondering, after his amazing SummerSlam performance, Shawn Michaels iced down his back nice and heavy... but experienced no pain and was in general good spirits. He loved his work, he loved being out there (clearly obvious by the look on his face) and will MORE THAN LIKELY do it again. Credit NOBODY... it's ALL ME and one of my precious few sources.
GONNA FUNK YOU UP
PWBTS.com posted this first... because someone over there decided to be the premiere XPW dissing site... well, SOMEONE has to replace WCW.
At the ECW arena, a fight broke out... yes, it's true.... take a deep breath, people. Miracles DO happen.
Terry Funk was rasslin' Shane Douglas and sliced up his arm something fierce... so they stopped the match.
Backstage, Funk was so pissed at Douglas that he punched him right in the face mid-promo (The Franchise would be a f-ing mute if he wasn't cutting promos)
Douglas threw a FIT... Atlas security, XPW workers, and quite a few skanky porn sluts tried to restrain him. Shane fought back HARD... but with his pants down... well, how hard would YOU fight?
They never jammed again, Funk was eventually escorted to an ambulance and Douglas threw a tantrum for a good ten minutes after. He blamed McMahon and Flair for pretty much everything that happened.
Eric Walker, who wrote the news piece (I embellished a TEENY bit) questioned Funk's behavior... punching someone in the face in front of the boys is a no no.... and also questioned how this will effect future XPW storylines.
The REAL story here is... Terry Funk is still alive? Jesus. What deity did he blow for this long ass career?
SEX, LIES, AND HEADF*CKS
Everyone is RAVING about that book: Sex, Lies, and Headlocks: The Real Story of Vince McMahon... etc, etc, etc. Oh, this is THE book. Oh, it will CHANGE US ALL. Oh this is TRULY THE GREATEST PIECE OF LITERATURE WE'VE EVER READ!! Mitchell was so impressed, he actually admitted in the newsletter to staining the pages with his semen. He claimed to have lost pages 40-66 because he couldn't pull them apart.
Yeah, okay... not that I don't trust all you marks, but I'll stick with the professionals here.... such as Entertainment Weekly, who had this to say:
Operating at the highest level of sophistication a third grade reading level can manage, the authors take an almost scholarly approach to their subject--that is, if you consider "s--- kicker" a technical term. But must they italicize shibboleths like camel clutch and Boston crab as if they were vocabulary words in a textbook? Exactly how stupid do they think wrestling fans are? (Cue crickets.) Respect issues aside, Headlocks is a brisk and serviceable, if somewhat remote, overview of WWF impresario McMahon's rise to tacky greatness--a professional journey that the authors contrast with that of his ring rival, Ted Turner. There's less of the promised sex than the title suggests, but there are plenty of the usual revelations (shady business deals, drug cover-ups), though none more startling (SPOILER ALERT) than this bombshell: Apparently, wrestling is fake.
The gave it a B-, which is good, really.
My problem is that it is ACHINGLY CLEAR that you fans are willing to accept "dumbed down" books on the topic. Me, I'll wait for the book that does NOT treat me like a f-ing 13 year old. Oh, when will that book come? In November? Oh, I doubt it.
STING SOLD OUT!!!
To JESUS!!!
At least that's what he said to Ted DiBiase, who offered him a... TEN MILLION dollar contract during a free rasslin' show in Nebraska... the HUB of wrestling activity.
From all accounts, the card redefined the word "clusterf*ck"
First off: (ya know, lemme tell you somethin') reports vary to the crowd size... somewhere between 400-600 people showed up, which ain't bad, really.
Second... umm, off: There was a really lame "Rock" band that turned the amps up to 11 and bang their heads to JESUS! Word from Heaven is Jesus prayed to.. himself that these damn kids turn the volume down (Jesus is OLD, yo), and then go get guitar lessons.
Third: Ted DiBiase played HEEL... which isn't a bad thing, but played the BIG HEEL MANAGER who acted like this was a REAL federation with rules and EVERYTHING and they'll be running shows every MONTH... instead of a one shot deal which he SHOULD have done.
Fourth: The Road Warriors talked about how great Christ is... these guys used to be the most evil motherf**kers on the planet... shit ain't right.
Fifth: Sting didn't wrestle, but was apparently given a choice between renouncing Jesus or getting plowed through a table. Sting, much like CHRIST 2000 and two years ago, chose to SACRIFICE himself and go through the table rather than renounce his beliefs... NI**A PLEASE!
Sixth: DiBiase offered Sting that aforementioned 10 MILLION dollar contract... Sting said "Hel..err.. HECK NO" and announced that he's already under contract... to JESUS!! Now for Christ's SAKES... who would turn down TEN MILLION? That's retarded... Trust me, I talked to God myself... he said "Take the loot, you dumb motherf**ker... I'll forgive you" Anyone reading you gets offered ten mil... TAKE IT... God understands.
Seventh: Then every wrestler treated the audience to an endless sermon on why God is great. When one fan asked Sting why he doesn't sign with the WWE and give us all those nice dream matches, Sting jacked him hard with his baseball bat and screamed, "I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT GOD, YOU IGNORANT DICKHEAD"... the fan saw God on his way to the hospital... and stars... and little birdies.
Eight: The Road Warriors got the LOUDEST pop... mostly from DiBiase's family. DiBiase got the biggest Heel heat... because the fans knew he was responsible for this HOLY mess.
Everyone popped for Jesus. What the hell else are they gonna do? Scream "HAIL SATAN"?
These things NEVER work out right... God is NOT a wrestling fan... too much gayness for Him.
I'm not down on God either... I just recommend you establish your own deal with him and hope it works... because that's all these religions are... interpretations of what God wants and faith that it's the right interpretation. Don't pay attention to the hype. Follow your own path. That's what I do.
SOILED SHEETS 2
Two weeks ago I bitched at the Torch for sending MY newsletter out late... I questioned their professionalism and pointed out that this column is a POWERFUL one indeed and the favored nod of Hyatte, along with a nice plug... can help one's business grow.
Well, they listened. AFTER that column, I not only received the newsletter on Friday, but they sent me ALL THE back newsletters that I missed to me.. first class.
I was jacked. I was all set to heap TONS of praise on them for doing the right thing... being smart... and thinking about their business. Nice, juicy plugs were coming and a LOT of compliments about being professional and MUCH better than that Meltzer Jap Suckjob.
Unfortunately, THIS week... the Newsletter hasn't shown up yet... and TUESDAY will be the very earliest I'll get it. Tuesday. Half the F-ing Net will have all the newsletter stuff posted by them. What good is getting it on TUESDAY?? WHAT??? WHAT???
Hey Keller... MORON... I am not some retard who you can placate with good service for ONE week, then back to bullshit the next. I CAN help you... 411 is BIGGER than the Torch. I would be MORE THAN HAPPY to help put $$ in your pocket. I'd LOVE to go ON AND ON about your professionalism and your DEDICATION TO MAKING EACH AND EVERY READER SATISFIED... EVEN ASSHOLES LIKE ME!!!
Get with the program... EVERY week, make the Hyatte cop the first on the list. You did it two weeks ago and it was great. I loved it. I was totally happy. Now make it EVERY WEEK and watch Hyatte suck up to you like there's no tomorrow. Be a businessman and DO IT. Or maybe I'll take my business to Meltzer and HE'LL get the love.
Be smart, Wade. And get rid of that useless tool BlowJob Bethel.
By the way, ever since he got a regular column, Jason Powell has been turning out awesome dirt sheet material. Excellent stuff. (See how nice it is?)
HOT ASS GOSSIP
A reader sent me some juicy stuff in exchange for some old Mop-Ups. He got downright offended when I questioned the validity of these stories... but his attitude seems legit (instant distaste for most web guys) and since everyone likes gossip... let's roll with them.
Note, I don't know if these are true... don't care much either. They are just fun to post. Y'all can decide what's true and what's bullshit... they probably are ALL bullshit, in fact... but who knows?? Let's do these as Blind Items.... so no one can sue 411 ;)
1) Who's responsible for the push of a certain young, daredevil prettyboy with a taste for the night life? You MIGHT think it's that certain trusted voice Vince has trusted for years even through the troubled times, but it turns out the OTHER voice... the quiet sidekick is the one with a lust for the fair-haired boys. Makes sense that, in a business where backstabbing is as normal as "favors for pushes", these two men have stayed close, close friends for so long... as one of them was also a "fair-haired boy" a long time ago.
2) The storybook marriage that begun when HIS bestest buddy 4 life introduced the two heartbreakers is more or less bunk. Whispers in the dark tell me that the two love birds actually met in a Tampa strip club after a house show, where she treated him to a special kind of "lap dance" in the club's Champagne Room. He was so impressed with her ability to "dance" while he sat back and rested his ailing back that he was finally taken with someone other than himself. After he left, she clearly knew he was sexy and was driven so wild that she stayed on duty in the club and "danced" for two more customers. Don't fault the kids, though... love comes in the most mysterious forms and right now, they seem happy and at peace.
3) Speaking of that "bestest buddy 4 life" from above... you and I may love his big, sexy ways and LOTS of ladies may think it would be cool to call him "daddy", but when he injured himself one more time a while ago, there were no tears shed in the locker room. In fact, many cheers and toasts were made in the bar afterwards. Seems that our boy's selfish ways doesn't quite click with EVERYONE in the locker room... just a select few.
That was fun.
THE ADVENTURES OF MRS. TRISH HYATTE
Oh, it'll happen one day... oh yes.
Truth is, Trish Stratus and I talk for maybe 5 minutes a clip before she logs off (blocks me AWAYY) maybe once every other week. I don't bother her... she's on her own time and I don't want to bother her. Who am I? Nobody, that's who. Girl is waaay out of my league.
But she's a sweetheart... and I have proof. What follows is a conversation between Trish and someone named "Jimmy Jett". Now, Jimmy sent me an e-mail and made it clear that he was just messing around with her... and had a damn funny riff about Canada in there that I laughed at... but gee whiz... no WONDER the Net has a bad rep. Check this exchange out (it's brief) and PLEASE note how Trish takes the joking around with GALLONS of grace and patience. She's really a classy gal. This is a REAL conversation from AIM:
uhaveveinyboobs: hey
Trish: haha good name bro
uhaveveinyboobs: thanks
uhaveveinyboobs: so what are you up to?
Trish: chatting to geeks with weird s/ns
uhaveveinyboobs: haha i'd hate to be one of them
Trish: lol good one
uhaveveinyboobs: i'm eating fried chicken and looking for my pants
Trish: well the first is good
uhaveveinyboobs: your match on raw was good
Trish: Thank you. Wasn't too veiny?
uhaveveinyboobs: eh, i've seen veinier, you have more veins on your boobs than my grandma does on her legs
Trish: Did your gran pay 3k for her legs
uhaveveinyboobs: no, her veins are all natural
Trish: haha I fed you that one
uhaveveinyboobs: you're a very good sport, most celebrities I IM block me by now, but their boobs aren't as veiny
uhaveveinyboobs: well... tom arnolds might be
Trish: I'm getting close
uhaveveinyboobs: have you ever dated tom arnold?
Trish: no
uhaveveinyboobs: it's a shame, your kids would have the veiniest boobs on the planet
uhaveveinyboobs: you should form a tag team with Kane
uhaveveinyboobs: The Vein and Kane Connection
uhaveveinyboobs: so what's Michael Cole like in real life? I bet he gets ALL the chicks. and a few guys as well
Trish: he's married and a pro guy
uhaveveinyboobs: I wish I was a professional guy Is there a Michael Cole Finishing School I can go to?
Trish: ah well maybe one day u can be as cool as cole
uhaveveinyboobs: one time my friend got to rub goldust
Trish: well praise heaven
uhaveveinyboobs: he ran before he could get rubbed back
uhaveveinyboobs: hey, do you think you can come to my birthday party?
uhaveveinyboobs: there will be free cake and ice cream
uhaveveinyboobs: and you can bring a friend, but only one, my mom gets pissed if there's too many people over
uhaveveinyboobs: it would be cool if you could bring some chips
uhaveveinyboobs: oh, never mind. I forgot you live in Canada I don't like Canadian chips. my friend gave me some, they tasted like chewing on a christmas tree
uhaveveinyboobs: what? cat got your veins?
uhaveveinyboobs: well I have to go goodnight sweet veiny breasted lady
Trish: nite
There you have it. Guys... people... if you meet a wrestler online... TRY... for god's sakes TRY to remember that they are human beings too. With feelings and EVERYTHING.
My apologies to Jimmy Jett, who was probably expecting a much kinder talk up from me... the guy was just trying to goof around... and Trish clearly took it in good stride, but she was also clearly annoyed. Thanks man.
HOLLYWOOD AND VINES
I went over to the Metal Sludge site and found "The Penis Chart" where girls write to someone named "Donna" and describe how rock stars perform in the sack. I hope you checked THAT out too. See how YOUR favorite 80's hair metal stud holds up with your fantasy. (and yes, I'm fully aware most of my audience is male... I think yer ALL homos)
Stephen Pearcy / Ex-Ratt: Just an average Joe but made a lot of news in the early days because he use to stuff socks in his stage pants. He's very HORNY, and will rub all over you. He'll say anything to get you into the sack. He f*cks like he sings, very lazy and egotistical.
Vince Neil / Motley Crue: What a fat lazy piece of shit. He has no charisma in the sack or on stage! After screwing thousands of chicks, he just doesn't put any effort into it anymore. If you hook up with Vince, you deserve a painful yeast infection. Not to mention he has the build of Cartman from South Park!
Axl Rose / Guns N Roses: Temper tantrum boy has only an average cock. We heard he had one of his famous models (Seymour) take a dump in a kitty liter box!!! I don't know about you girls, but my pussy ain't going anywhere near a litter box.
Paul Stanley / Kiss: About 7 to 8 inches and he'll treat you very nice! He loves his hairy chest. One girl told me, "The only problem is when you're having sex with him you get the impression he's performing for 20,000 screaming fans. I have honestly never seen anyone look more retarded while having an orgasm. I thought he was having a seizure. Overall I'd give him a 9 in the sack, even though it was all I could do to keep from laughing when he came."
Glenn Danzig / Danzig: The bottom line is his cock is just like him, short.
Art Alexakis / Everclear: Art has an 8 inch cocks, he's loud and practically rabid for eating pussy and rimming. He loves his balls sucked, is a great kisser, and enjoy his encounters in odd/semi-public places. Art has a huge sexual appetite and is very loud/likes to talk dirty. However he's not fond of condoms and sometimes his cock isn't fully hard, which might have something to do with him being a former drug addict. Either that or he's just old. He tries to come off as such a sincere, sweet guy, but he's a HUGE slut. He does treat you well when you're with him--he even holds hands/cuddles and gives his real phone #. He also likes his women to be pretty intelligent and able to hold their end of a conversation about current issues, etc. Watch out for this one, though--he's unclean!! Either he doesn't wash the crotch area often or he has a serious problem...smells very dirty. Gross!!
Here’s something NEW, my friend Matt turned me onto a site called Blind Items.com. It's rumor, gossip, with names and everything, even a Gwyneth Paltrow Sucks and Here's Why section... it also has a great little section where they reveal what actors were up for what famous roles, before dropping out or losing them to other stars who made the role famous. It's a fascinating look at what COULD have been...
The Fifth Element: Prince was up for Chris Tucker's part
Dirty Harry: Paul Newman, Frank Sinatra, and John Waytne were all up for Clint Eastwood's part. (I would have LOVED to see Frank do it)
First Blood: John Travolta and Steve McQueen were supposed to be Stallone's Rambo
Basic Instinct: Michelle Pfeiffer and Geena Davis was up for Sharon Stone's part. (Pfeiffer would have ROCKED)
Philadelphia: Bill Murray was going to play the part that Denzel Washington eventually took.
Speed: Johnny Depp and Halli Berry were up for the roles that went to Keanu and Sandra Bullock
The Godfather: Warren F-ing Beatty was supposed to have Al Pacino's part. Warren F*CKING BEATTY. Oh, that would have SUCKED.
Bored yet? I am, let's move along.
UNDISPUTED MY ASS!!!
With Brock Lesnar sticking with the Smackdown crew, what will Eric Bischoff DO?
Well, Blackjack Brown says Bisch may institute a RAW Title which would be EXCLUSIVE to the Monday show. Which would pretty much make the Undisputed title the Smackdown title. Which would kill the UNDISPUTED gimmick less than a year after it was created.
In a word... oy.
By the way, Brown also says that Randy Savage and Lex Luger are said to be "interested" in a WWE run...
That's right... Hogan vs Savage at WM 19 COULD be a reality... SET PHASERS ON MARK OUT!!!!!!!
MY THREE STOOGES
This has nothing to do with me, or anyone I have problems with.
But it IS funny... and it's about web guys... so read it and laugh or skip down to the next topic and blow it off... I won't mind.
I didn't like Jay Bower for various reasons... but he came to me on AIM like a man and we straighten shit out. I respect people who don't freak out over this silly ass "Net God" thing. So he and I are cool.
I always liked the Scotsman... we've always got along. He's funny.
The two do NOT like each other... and have been bashing each other on various blogs and stuff. Bower, feeling lucky after how our chat smoothed out any problems, approached the Scotsman to do the same. Problem is, Scotsman is a lunatic... in a good way.
Both guys posted this transcript (one of them later pulled his)... so I don't think either would mind if I shared it... actually, they probably do but hey, it's funny.
They didn't make up. Whoever "won" this little tiff is... well, up to you to decide.
It IS hilarious... Scotsman is a NUT, man. God bless him for it.
Scotsman: :-)
Jay Bower: what are you smiling about?
Scotsman: I wasn't smiling.
Jay Bower: besides the fact that you obviously know and enjoy the fact that you are getting under my skin
Scotsman: I'd like to get into your pants.
Jay Bower: boy, this is gonna make a hee-larious chat transcript for your next column. line 1... f*ck you fags, wheres my dildo... line two: Scotsman: I'd like to get into your pants. line three: poop. the end
Scotsman: Hey thats pretty good. You should write like that all the time.
Jay Bower: all I am asking is what your problem with me is, but of course the chances of me getting a straight answer or an answer at all are probably slim to none
Scotsman: Well obviously.
Jay Bower: doesn't it ever get old? being a 21 year old man with absolutely no class
Scotsman: Oh I have class. I have a suit and everything.
Jay Bower: well send me your adress and I'll mail you a cookie for that
Scotsman: LOL you spelt excrement wrong. I mean, doesn't there come an age when you SPELL CORRECTLY? LMAO!!! I bet you spent 3 minutes going over that sentence making sure you didn't spell anything wrong again. 1-0!
Jay Bower: dude, you are a freaking weird little man
Scotsman: Dude! Let's order pizza dude!
Jay Bower: Fag! Let's ejaculate on food, eat it and then laugh at the fact that we are going to be working the graveyard shift at the gas station sooner or later
Scotsman: OKAY!
Jay Bower: by the way...if you would have bothered to read my blog (which I'm sure you are an enormous fan of), you would know I was planning on posting pics anyway so it really makes no difference to me
Scotsman: LOL OKAY 2-0!!!
Jay Bower: I would hate to be around you in "real life", I bet this act gets old mighty quick
Scotsman: Lets hang out and see!
Jay Bower: holy lord you're a weird cookie GRAEM obviously a defense mechanism
Scotsman: CUZ MY PARENTS DIVORCED LOL!!!
Jay Bower: honestly that probably oculd have something to do with it
Scotsman: OCULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT!
Jay Bower: GOT ME THERE! 3-0!
Scotsman: HI-FIVE.
Jay Bower: you think I am some stuck up university kid don't you GRAEM?
Scotsman: I'm a stuck up unversity kid. LOL UNVERSITY! 4-0!!!
Jay Bower: no, you are a f*cking retard
Scotsman: Retard retard!
Scotsman: What a comeback! I'M DEAD! I WAVE THE WHITE FLAG!!!
Jay Bower: pathetic
Scotsman: Go take some creatine and put whipped cream on it because YOU DESERVE TO CELEBRATE!
Jay Bower: you are like talking to a 6 year old, and that's not something I would be boasting about
Scotsman: You are like, totally, like, whatever, like, yes, like.
Jay Bower: you think I'M closed minded, when you go out stereotyping me without even knowing me so f*ck you
Scotsman: F*CK ME! UP THE GOAT ASS! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jay Bower: I bet your buddies are laughing at that one. Laughing all the way to the welfare line
Scotsman: My buddies are BILLIONAIRES.
Jay Bower: I truly feel sorry for you if your net persona is the same as your actual one, so in closing... you think it's funny to dress like up like the f*cking WORLD TRADE CENTER with people falling out of the windows and planes crashing into it?
Scotsman: No YOU find it funny. Sicko.
Jay Bower: you come across OUR border in that shit in see how quickly you are getting that smug little grin wiped off of your little face
Scotsman: LOL I'm shaking! How about you come across OUR border wearing nothing but blue suede shoes.
Jay Bower: and I'd be more than happy to be one throwing the first blow on you because your a scrawny little bitch with no respect
Scotsman: lol First blow. Homo.
Jay Bower: I really feel sorry for a classless little reject like yourself
Jay Bower: you'll see how far that will get you in life
Scotsman: Wait lets talk more about you giving me my first blow.
Jay Bower: People don't laugh with you, they laugh at you
Scotsman: Come on Jay describe the first blow! Will it be....firm?
Jay Bower: Later
There ya go.
SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN
Not sure if you noticed….
Guns and Roses (AXL) made their re-debut this past week at the MTV Video Awards. While I was overjoyed to see them (him), I can’t help but to think back to think back to the early 90’s when MTV had GNR LIVE from Rio Di Jinero, in which the performance was great but the “in between” songs portion was better…
It was on that MTV special that I first saw a future sex symbol. Her name was Daisy Fuentes and she was the “roving bilingual reporter” for the concert in Rio Di Jinero. Tight shirt and a pair of cutoffs that went everywhere but south. She eventually moved from that assignment to the sex symbol that we know and love today…
Rio Di Jinero was the “location” of the crowning of the first InterContinental Champion, who happened to be Pat Patterson. This belt was recently consolidated with the Hardcore title, whose last champion was Tommy Dreamer.
Tommy Dreamer was a mainstay of ECW, a company that he literally broke his back for, while waiting for his moment in the sun. That moment came when he wrestled RVD in MSG to an ECW partial crowd, much like the “bleacher bums” were back in the formative days of ECW…
The “bleacher bums”, were led by Dave Scherer, who was a driving force in making ECW a cult favorite,especially amongst the “Internet crowd”
This was all done on line under the auspices of the “Daily Lariat” which posts on line every day on a 1wrestling.com. Which, of course is owned by…
BOB
SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN
Flea, who uses other people's cell phones to call Japan... "They're drinkin' MY liquor!! Damn STRAIGHT A'hm gonne rev up their damn phone bills!! Hyuck!"
BUT PLUGS
In honor and tribute to Josh Grut's suggestion last week on how 411 Writers should strive to improve, I will do as he suggested and the following plugs will be completely underlined
Pat Brower recaps Velocity AND formally registers his OUTRAGE at how the MAN is trying to keep Tentacle Porn OUT of the hands of honest taxpayers. You heard me. Fight on, Pat. For Octopus and Squid Lovers EVERYWHERE
Brad Jennette recaps Heat. That's all I have to say
Confidential was a rerun, but the recap is fresh. In fact, the recapPER is fresh too. His name is Eric Gibbons. Can he offer a fresh take on a repeated show? The f*ck should I know? I don't read this stuff.
Daniels examines the week in Wrestling. But is it a Week in Wrestling? Or is it a Week in LIFE?? You decide.
Blake Norton looks at HBK. It's another great piece as well as a smart essay on changing times and Michael's role in it
Sure, laugh now at 411's Music Section but once Ashish and Widro become so influential that Puff Diddy is inviting them up to his Hamptons estate to bang white broads and listen to his new jams, THEN who'll be laughing? Huh? HUH? (and if you thought Widro was an insufferable boob BEFORE... look out).
Murder Inc. Attempting To Steal Shyne From Bad Boy
The rap record wars continue with Murder Inc. trying to coup Bad Boy's young diamond...
By Ashish... No-bullshit hardcore 411 rap reporter. The man who will one day make Suge Knight PISS HIS PANTS!!
No Smarks posted anything. They still around?
Honky gets a week off while I make up for a month of promises with...
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
Okay, here we are--moment of truth. The big enchilada. Three weeks I've been hoarding these. Three long weeks... and you people came through. I've got over 100 quotes, chats, and interplay from all over the place. In fact, I've got so many that I'll even have leftovers for next week. Good job, everyone who sent shit in.
What we'll do is toss these things up in a loose little order. First, we hit the old school, hard, then some great Vince McMahon stuff, then some WCW stuff, some Lawler, Ross, Monsoon and Heenan stuff. I'll top it all off with some current/miscellaneous nonsense and then get out of here. Sound good? All right, let's dig in. Great crap here. You'll laugh:
Pedro Morales hit me so hard in my belly it popped all the pimples on my back-
Magnificent Muraco
Thank you, it's been your pleasure.- Capt. Lou Albano
On my tombstone it will read, here lies a man you still don't want to mess with.- Bruiser Brody
I ain't in this business for the girls. I got a fat wife and nine kids to feed- Stan Hansen
If Barry Horowitz wins this thing, you'll never see me again- Mr. Perfect commentating at the Royal Rumble
Well I met this lady and I told her quite a story said I'd love her for ever more, but the trouble is I tell the same old story to every girl that walks through the door..- Slick's "Jive Soul Bro'"
I couldn't see and I couldn't hear, but all that I could see and all that I could hear was Elizabeth crying. And that hurt me worse then any snake bite ever could- Randy Savage after Jake Roberts tied him up and his snake bite him.
Give that kid $50 and send him to the hospital. Tell him "Welcome to the business"-Arn Anderson, backstage watching a jobber get FLATTENED by Andre the Giant
The only good Injun is a dead injun, and you're dead- "Big Cat" Ernie Lad after ripping up Wahoo McDaniel's headdress in the 1970's
Who dat dere's gunna beat dat team? Who Dat? Who dat?- Dick Murdoch on teaming with Bill Watts & Jim Duggan
Bob Backlund, up in Minnesota all you ever had to worry about was milking the cows and slopping the hogs. In New York I had to worry about where my next meal was coming from...and the 20 other guys who were worrying about where THEIR next meal was coming from- Adrian Adonis
Ivan Putzki, you are a wart, and I am the Compound W that will eradicate you from the face of professional wrestling- Jesse Ventura
This is the greatest thing I've ever seen. I think we should make him the official mascot of Survivor Series!- Roddy Piper, after the Gobbledy Gooker 'hatched'.
You know the 'B' stands for Buckwheat right Gorilla?- Jesse Ventura on Koko B Ware
The nurses in the maternity ward named me “Ravishing.” All the other mothers tried to trade their boy children for me.- Rick Rude
Gentlemen as you know, the Ultimate Warrior…F*CK!!!- Mean Gene when the SummerSlam sign fell down during a Rick Rude interview
With me right now, the WWF Tag Team Champions, The Colostomy Connection!- Mean Gene Okerlund, introducing the Colossal Connection
I'm so quick, I could spit in the wind, duck, and let it hit the old lady behind me!- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper
I'm just waitin' for Bundy to put the big kabash on one of them- Ventura to Gorilla during Wrestlemania III's mixed tag-team (Bundy/midgets vs. Hillbilly Jim/midgets)
Hell, I'd slap my own grandma for that kinda money!- Len Denton
I know where you both live. I can come to your house...I'll slap your wives & kids around...and, by golly, I'll DO it. You'll PAY for what you've done !- Tough Tony Borne
He must be deaf. It takes him four tries to hear the roar- Jesse Ventura, referring to Hulk Hogan (doing the ear cup)
If I lose, I'll quit boxing, I'll quit wrestling, I'll quit tiddlywinks, I'll quit dating girls -Roddy Piper, before his boxing match with Mr. T
All right ladies and gentlemen the Macho King...I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of him- Mean Gene, after Randy Savage has just lost his career-ending match with the Warrior
STOP IT! DON'T!!!- Owen Hart in a Bret Hart hammerlock.
I've got balls the size of grapefruits... and this Sunday, you'll be picking the seeds out of your teeth!- Vince McMahon
I don't care if you want to call yourselves... Double Trouble Crap On A Stick!-Vince McMahon, to the tag team of the Big Show and Billy Gunn.
Hey McMahon I saw Tito Santana at Taco Bell the other day-Mr. Perfect
Now Perfect there is nothing wrong with a man getting a burrito- Vince
He wasn't getting a burrito, he was paying his phone bill.- Perfect's response
That was a TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR microphone!!- Vince McMahon, after Austin took a faulty mic and threw it from the ring up the ramp.
Michaels and Helmsley are just like the sophomore class!- JR, trying to get DX over as childish
Yeah -- the DEGENERATE sophomore class!-McMahon pushing the harsher "degenerate" label
You can bet that they’ll meet again…on that FREEWAY OF LOVE- Vince McMahon, referring to George Steele and Elizabeth
I want you to take the worst thing that you could ever imagine, and then multiply that by the number nine million, and then you multiply it with infinity and beyond, and its still going to be like one piece of sand in the Sahara desert compared to what I am going to do to you Hulk Hogan- Randy Savage
And Hogan, you big, bald son of a bitch, KISS MY ASS!- Vince Russo
I don't care about beating you, everyone has already done that- Ultimate Warrior to Hollywood Hogan
You know, Bill Goldberg, at this point, I don't think it's a question of Who's Next, I think it's Who's Left!- Gene Okerlund
No, no, Gene, see, that's where you're wrong. It's not Who's Left, it's WHO'S NEXT?!?!- Goldberg's response
Who are you to doubt El Dandy?- Bret Hart, when Mike Tenay questioned his choice on who gets a US title shot on Nitro that night.
Booker T? I hit that guy like 5 months ago and he just now remembers?- Scott Hall
It seems to me, like those who hesitate...- Nash
They get punked!!!- Scott Hall
I don't need these people to love me...I love myself- Ric Flair
Welcome to "Suckas Gots to know" and Lex, let me ax you something, all FIVE THOUSAND people watching at home want to know what you're doing here in the audience.- Stevie Ray on Thunder
FIVE THOUSAND PEOPLE?! More like five thousand IN ONE HOUSE! -Tony Schiavone (trying to cover that mistake up)
Rip his drawers off baby- Dusty Rhodes watching Sherri fight Col. Parker
You know, I hear that the mayor of the Mulkey brothers' home town gave those boys the key to the city. Then he changed all the locks.- Jim Cornette
You know what they say about Space Mountain; it may be the oldest ride...but it's still got the longest line the park! Woooo!- Ric Flair,
This feels good, this makes me feel almost as good as if someone were to call me and tell me my ex wife and her boyfriend were just involved in a fatal car wreck.-Larry Zbyszko
Are you just making this stuff up as you go along-Ventura to Schiavone after Schiavone rambled on about some obscure and useless information
You better hope nothing ever happens to him- Lawler, referring to Paul Bearer
Why is that King ?- JR
Because then you'd be the ugliest man in the World.- Lawler
Panties aren't the Greatest thing in the World but they're right next to it.- Lawler
I think you should stay away from Stacys for a while- JR to Lawler, after King's divorce from Kat, while he's salivating over Stacy Keebler.
My first wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met- Lawler
See I can understand what Eddy Guerrero is saying, I'm bi-lingual! - Lawler
Yeah you're BI all right- Ross
Helen Hart is the only person I know with an autographed copy of the bible- Jerry Lawler
That's uncharted territory for Patterson- Ross, after Patterson grabbed Sable's ass.
He's single, fellas- Ross, during a Patterson posedown.
What's that ladder for?- Lawler, after Jeff Hardy pulled out a larger ladder
What's the ladder for... he's gonna paint his garage!- Jim Ross, responding
Ol' Pat does some work over at the Brisco Body Shop there... he does some rear end work there- Jim Ross
I have to hand it to you, Bret Hart - your feet are the smelliest there are, the smelliest there were, and the smelliest there ever will be.-Lawler, after losing the Kiss My Foot match
I hear X-Pac isn't very popular in the back.-Jerry Lawler
What? Everybody likes X-Pac-Jim Ross
Are you kidding? People have to get in line to hate him!-Jerry Lawler
You know why there were only 220 Mexicans at the Alamo? They only had one car.-Bobby Heenan
You know this is my second favorite song-Bobby Heenan, in reference to Tito Santana's entrance music
Oh, I'm afraid to ask. What's your favorite?-Gorilla Monsoon
All the rest are tied.-Heenan
I asked him what comes after a sentence and he said parole- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
This guy makes coffee nervous.- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan on Brian Pillman
I need a drink! Hey you, Stupid! Go get me something to drink! Something with a little kick.- Heenan
I'm gonna knock you out!- Monsoon to Heenan
I told Stu Hart, ‘You must be very proud of your boys.’ He just looked at me and said, ‘I have boys?’- Bobby Heenan
Do you have any idea what it takes to become a Sumo Grand Champion?- Heenan
Oh, absolutely! You have to eat at least 1,000 bowls of rice every day….- Monsoon
I’m sorry I asked!- Heenan
They've got three teeth between em'... -Bobby Heenan on the Bushwhackers
You should never hit him in the head. It's amazing how Mother Nature protects the weakest part of the body with the strongest- Bobby Heenan on the Junkyard Dog
I'm a legend in this sport. If you don't believe me, ask me - Bobby Heenan
The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they're allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce.- Heenan (AWA)
Janetty tried to escape by DIVING through the window!-Bobby Heenan, right after Shawn put Marty Janetty through the Barber Shop window
Jeezus, can't a guy cut a friggin' promo around here?!- HHH, after being continuously interrupted by other wrestlers while doing a promo in the ring.
Bret-man- Sid Vicious, trying to say "Hitman"
That's $100,000 Vince, that's five new shirts for The Rock - The Rock talking to Vince McMahon about Mankind stealing his bonus.
Shut up Michael Cole, or The Rock will rip your face off and wipe your ass with it- The Rock
and you call yourself the Big Show?- Val Venis, after looking at Paul Wight's penis
...and The Rock will kick your teeth so far down your ass, you'll have to stick a toothbrush up your ass just to brush 'em!- Rock, after being offered a blowjob from Chyna.
I became the first ever Euro-continental champion in WWF history. Well, besides D-Lo Brown, but he doesn't count.- Kurt Angle
Your wife tells me you're having trouble getting your privates to stand at attention.- Triple H to Sgt. Slaughter
And that's not just the coolest, that's not just the best, that's the ECW World Heavyweight Champion, that's..- Justin Credible
THE LAMEST F*CKING CATCHPHRASE IN THIS WHOLE INDUSTRY!!!- Steve Corino, cutting him off
I was NEVER picked last in kickball!!!- Kane
I'm not a bad guy! I have footage!- Big Show
The napkin is not your enemy!- William Regal
Are you bilingual too?- JR to HHH as Chyna did commentary with the Spanish announcers
Well, I'm bi- a lot of things, but lingual isn't one of them-HHH
Wait a minute...- HHH, five seconds later
That'll do it.
As we enjoy our Labor day, please remember that somewhere, in New England, there is a sad, sad man who is mourning the loss of THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE!!!! MY POOR, POOR BLACK BOX!!! DEAR GOD, I HAVE TO GO LEGIT NOW!!! IT AIN'T FAIR, DAMMIT!!
And please, let's NOT make any jokes about the Jerry Lewis Telethon and how the WWE needs a Telethon of it's own.
I close with a tribute (by way of Martin Short), to the now officially obese Jerry Lewis, still doing it after all these years... only now with lots and lots of NAPS.
The answer my friiiiend, is blowing in the wiiiiind. The answer is blowing in the WAAAHH LAAAAAADY!!! PRETTY LAAAAAAADY!!!
This is Hyatte